"Don't you feed me lines about some idealistic future
Your heart won't heal right if you keep tearing out the sutures"
Postal Service cruising on the Res every morning and afternoon. I'm lost somewhere between the landscape layering itself and these words every time.
Something in me changed today. I love Wednesdays here in Bluff. I love when in a classroom and talking about symbolism and mythology and history and how everything ties to this beautiful landscape. I'm in it right now and have felt inspired to appreciate my day on paper. Janet came in today where Haley and Jonathan and I spoke with her about selling her pottery and jewelry on etsy.com, a handicraft sellers website. I saw here eyes light up and her mind working behind them, in awe of how much she would be able to benefit. (Janet is the woman whose family we are building a home for here on the reservation. Her whole family is supported by her business of making pottery and lives off of only $9000 a year). My excitement matched hers. I couldn't wait to start documenting her items. :) The Merlin, her man, started showing Bob, Blake and I his and Janet's drawings for our clay wall. The symbolism in both her pottery and jewelry tells of Navajo stories and important symbols. Each is crated with these sacred meaning in mind. There is much planning and much thought. I love that she embraces her cultures so. I was illuminated by this moment.. That, and the clay that Atsushi, Hiroko, Blake and Bob hand-carried out of comb ridge was ready. My head is a spinning case of reels - my vocality in my dreams last night was a witness. This is precisely the time when I want to be artistic and create. It is the relief I seek and can feel. I wish there was time right now. soon. Wedding will be over. Decisions will be in stone. And I will be able to have my breath again.
Yesterday @ 5am we woke up here in Bluff to try to get rides in Hot Air Balloons at the Bluff Balloon Festival. Sarah Frass and I got to go up with Glenn and Cookie from NM in their Pink Yellow and Black Balloon. We unpacked the balloon, fired it up & chased it to monitor its position along the bluffs. It was a once in a lifetime chance and so beautiful to see the desert landscape from that perspective. We are so small in this place.
To be and curious and beautiful and filled with magic, and to not understand nor feel a need to seek understanding. Just to be elated in your experience. Sound, Sight, found with chills or fire inside.
I wish to be a child again, when everyday was a day I could imagine myself flying or swimming in the seas. To think I could defy anything this world has defined. But there is still glimpses of those times today. I live from each one to the next, knowing that I can bring someone else there with me. To show them what I see and feel, and oh how vast and uncontainable those sensations overwhelm me.
I am finally in my apartment. There was chaos trying to get the right money to whom, trying to get my money back, and vaVoom. I'm moved in. I am having some friends help me sort through some of my stuff to give away to a holiday gift donation. Philip and I just completed our gift registration and I am feeling ever so materialistic. I wish that we didn't have to do that---click click on what we want want. If only people didn't buy such strange things like embroidered matching T-shirts for wedding gifts, no one would have ever thought of this idea. But it is over, and I feel accomplished, and am a little nervous to have something given to me that is way too nice to put next to anything I own. I am really bad at "getting" things and would only like to receive something if I had the time and money to give something equal in sentiment back. I probably will feel indebted to people all of my life. Which gives me a good reason to keep serving them. :)
I am preparing for the temple soon. I will be going to partake in the endowment ordinance, and will then be allowed to fully explore the temple and all its beautiful rooms. I feel so overwhelmed with excitement and privilege.
As I was reading, I came across this perspective, which deals with more than just spiritual issues, but also makes a great cultural point. I think it's a "shout out" to those women in those shielded countries. I just want to let them know that they are empowered by their veils and scarves. And that they know that from now on every time we read about them, our hearts break for their oppression, but soar for their strength.
-->"In many cultures, veils symbolize chastity personified. They indicate that a person is modest and filled with virtue,90 implying a "renunciation of the world."91 For example, some Islamic and Jewish women veil themselves to keep men from being distracted, this being a symbol of the fallen and weak condition of men rather than women.92 We read that, in an apparent display of modesty, Rebekah "lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac . . . she took a veil and covered herself" (JST, Genesis 24:69–70). "
I am currently doing very well in classes. I got an A in my first graduate course! Yay! And even though the professors don't outwardly give grades until the end, I have a good feeling about how my progress is going. It's like it completely doesn't matter to me anymore. I have let go of so many of my constrained old ways, and have broken free of all the regularity that my culture has structured inside of me. I am learning to be in love with the ideas inside people's heads. I want to know all of them. And even better, I want to know that they can blossom into existence. I am seeing some of that unfold, but am ever more ecstatic to see what will come in the next years. That among peers and professors and social connections are so high an intellectual level, I am surprised I'm even standing among them. What a blessing. And not only in academia can I understand this, but also right at my side.
Philip amazes more and more, and I couldn't feel his love truer than the color blue itself. I am on fire because of him. I am so lucky, and so blessed to have a life with him. And it doesn't end there! I have such faith that our family will be wrapped in the same fiery of love.
Like now, I always have to fight back my emotion when in this state of mind. I often get lost in a mode of appreciation (usually it's cyclical ;) and don't care to stop. Life has never felt so good. Every time I have a "high" it has been because I've recognized that my "lows" make it seem that much greater. There is opposition in all things, and once we break from that opposing force, once we come out of the darkness (it's even biological!) our eyes cannot even bear how great and beautiful the light!
It will snow soon again in the mountains, and then make it's way here in the valley. Those who know about Utah snow often speak of it as a nuisance. I wish they had the light that I see right now. I am new to the place, and newness fades, but O how great IS the newness of anything! I can't believe the beauty that is embodied in the snow here! I want to take a piece of it and carry it back to all of you!
I have so much love for all of you who have taken time to understand my sentence slaughtering. I wish all of you could be here so I can share the entire language of love with you. Find Peace. Talk soon.
